The Yellow Oranges

The tales of the Sheep and the Whales. Part 2

2012-02-25T02:36:00.000Z

This is part 2 of the various tales of them sheep and whales, you can read the first part by clicking here. Now for the next instalment...

Now the animals were getting very confused with the growth of the humans, and as they spread the confusion increased within some animal communities.

One of the biggest examples of the confused animals is the cows. When they saw the people coming towards them they did not have any idea what was happening, they had been told by the eagles who said

'They are coming to kill us all and take are land run away!'

Not understanding fully the cows assumed that they were talking about the clouds that were following behind the eagles. and dug deep into the ground making a network of tunnels to hid away from the clouds.

For this reason the cows were completely confounded at the concept of people, and when they saw them it was so shocking it caused synapses in their brains to switch and revert them back to the mental constitution of a baby (which was not far of from where they already were). Then when they opened their eyes for what they thought was the first time, they assumed that what was in front of them was their parents. This lead to the very successful growth of the human cattle industry, as they could farm the cows easily without resistance.

May look similar, but one lacks a large mental capacity (its the cows)

Some animals took advantage of the humans desire to expand and cover the earth, well not really many animals as they were all forced by humans apart from the most cunning and sinister animals - sheep. The sheep had for a long time in the animal kingdom formed the majority of many of the mixed raced parliaments due to their sneaky and controversial methods, such as their slanderous advertising campaign and killing off opponents. Their was one flaw with their plan, despite being in control of almost everything they were confined to the small island of Jamaica and could not leave as it was where all parliaments were based.

So when the sheep heard of the spread of humanity they started to conspire, they lead many areas of the parliaments into disrepute and mayhem so that there would be no organised opposition to the humans.

When people landed in Jamaica all the buildings and advanced structures had been destroyed and the sheep had trained themselves to play dumb. The humans found the sheep rolling around on the floor baaing and eating grass, they took these strange animals back with them and raised them and looked after them. The sheep were a delight to the humans, they were so stupid and could provide wool for clothes and meat for food, but little did they know this was all part of the sheep's plan, they let themselves be sacrificed for the greater good of the sheep community.

The tales of the Sheep and the Whales. Part 1

2012-02-23T18:55:00.002Z

The tails of sheep and whales are both similar, as they are both tails, but professionals can tell them apart as sheep tails look like a cats arm, and whales tails look like the rear plane wings.

After some thinking, which happens alot more than most people would think, I have realised the most awesomest story that could ever exist, I will now try and disperse it without any other thinking or plot before hand in a series of posts, I hope it is good, please tell me what you think in the comments!

Many hundreds of thousands of years ago there was the Earth, and it was pretty similar as it is today, with a few more animals and alot more fish. There were not too many humans and of the few that there were most of them lived near the new Hindhead tunnel. In fact it is a little known fact that they actually built the original Hindhead tunnel using llamas to dig it out as a slave workforce but the work was never finished as the humans the use of brutal force eventually lead to the extinction of llamas in Great Britain. As the human population had not yet spread across the Earth like butter on toast, many large areas of land had been occupied by different animal groups and societies.

With the growing and harmful influences of humans within small areas, animals who had always lived in peaceful content with each other for many years, had to re-arrange borders and some groups even had to find new areas to settle in. Traces of the influence animals had in these areas can still be seen today and many are named after the animals that dwelt there, such as Puffin Island (where many groups of Puffins still live), Papua New Guinea (the birthplace and settlement of Guinea Pigs for many centuries) and most famously Wales (it is of course where Whales had established a long, stable and fruitful society). Many of these places that were originally held and lived in by animals are now in the hands of humans, this is not necessarily a bad thing, humans are good most of the time, but it did mean many animals had to find new homes. That was a sad time and news within the animal kingdom spread fast and most animals decided to give up their land to the encroaching humans whereas a small number tried to fight to protect their land, which did not last long. In some of the smaller communities both managed to co-exist and in others the animals got a bit confused...

One cannot simply walk into Mordor

2012-02-02T19:04:00.002Z

I have often thought whilst wondering around and cycling up hills what would I do if I just suddenly time travelled randomly back a 1000 years or teleported to the world of Lord of the Rings in Middle Earth. I know I would love it, it would be awesome, but would it be practical?

I would suddenly be in a world I know barely anything about, well I would know little bits of history about some of the Kings and Queens and various wars, they can only get me so far and as there weren't any news programmes in those days (or at least none we know of) then it wouldn't really be useful at all. Ignoring all the qualms about the language differences it will be pretty tough, I would have no money or food. Even if I did manage to hold down some sort of job somewhere I wouldn't be able to just pop into the local Tesco for food. I would have to go out and hunt my own deer or something, which I would no doubt enjoy (not in a sadistic evil menacing way, but in a manly 'Urrghh lets go kill things' sort of way), but the skinning and actually getting the meat off the deer might prove a bit fiddly. And that is with me assuming its easy to hunt them (which at the moment I am imagining it is like a big game of hide and seek in the woods but with a messier ending), and if I am allowed to hunt them, I might need some sort of licence or something.

This is definitely what I expect to see if I did time travel.

If I was instantly put in those days now I think I could do pretty well. I would have my phone which I guess I could trade with the King or someone. They would be completely blown away by it (not like a bomb, because then the whole kingdom will probably think I'm some sort of witch and burn me or drown me or something, and I don't want to be burnt or drowned), and hopefully they will give me a horse and some gold for it or something. I would then have to jump on the horse and leg it as the battery on the phone wouldn't last too long! This would fail dramatically though, as I cannot ride a horse, well I might be able to ride a horse but I have no idea as I haven't done it before. So assuming I am a natural at riding horses, I would ride of into the sunset and live a wonderful life with swords and things in a castle far away, but hiding form the King or someone.

Aaaaahhhhhhhhh......... a peaceful life!

But I would most likely be caught up in some war, there were a lot of wars in those days, and those with the monies were always dying. It's not looking so peaceful any more, not with all this death hanging about, well I guess in those days the dead did literally hang about. I would have to do something about that, and clear up the town I choose to settle in with my money and introduce some some sort of green scheme to brighten the place up!

This is the reason why I would much prefer to transports to the land of Middle Earth during the events of the Lord of the Rings, as I actually know what's going on there and might be able to help out! If I was back there with Frodo and Sam with my phone I would be able to help them navigate to Mordor so they wouldn't have to use Gollum. Also if I could go back with a car then the whole troubles faced during the escapades of the fellowship could be easily avoided, but the car probably wouldn't make it far through the roads and paths. So maybe instead I could take some bikes back, they can be used over all sorts of terrain and never run out of gas. It would be alot faster to get there. Though there is a 99% chance I will die in some battle somewhere, with all those arrows flying around! There is no way I could dodge them, I am not some sort of ninja fish that can out-swim sharks and evil whales* (although that would be awesome, but may get boring after being underwater for a while, there would be nothing to do but swim, not that swimming is bad, I just don't want to swim all my life)!

I couldn't believe my luck when I found a picture of an actual ninja fish! The dream is closer!

There is a lot of death and pain in these middle ages sort of places, I don't really want that as a holiday destination so it would probably be a bad idea for me to go wondering into any big portals that may lead back into this distant and savage history as it will probably not go very well for me. So I will stick to daydreaming about trading my phone with a King for a herd of horses and lots of gold coins or whatever the currency is!

*that is making a comparison that whales are in some way similar to arrows, not sure really how to justify this..

A Chilling Topic

2012-02-02T00:07:00.000Z

There is a fact that often frequents in conversations with various people that fridge's are the one of the most awesome thing that have ever been invented. It's a fact and everyone loves this fact, it doesn't make you feel bad or guilty unlike other 'facts' which are often more opinionated than many people believe. However the fact that fridges are awesome is, well, just that a fact, nothing more nothing less, they are awesome!

If we were in a world without fridges it would be a much more different place, obviously anyone can say that but how different will it be? The obvious things like having to buy meat and vegetables on the day will happen, but also there are many other effects that this would have on society. The mortification industry would be heavily hit as they would be able to keep bodies at low temperatures and those meal deals you can get at Tesco for lunch won't be available any more. There will still be things in life that are good, such as ice cream, we would still be able to have that, as it is a world without fridges not freezers, but then the people living in this world we are theorizing must be pretty stupid as they haven't figured out how to cool freezers a bit to make fridges. Lets not judge them too much as we are imagining them so they are part of us and then we would be calling ourselves stupid and dumb, although I can only speak for myself but I would like to think you aren't either.

Fridges have allowed us to come up with a range of different foods like trifle, banoffee pie and jelly and so Sunday dinner would never be the same without delightfully descending down upon these delicious delights. How can one not top of a lovely Sunday roast with a buffet of a range of different deserts, that is why being at home is best (I believe my home made roast is better than my mums, but she makes a lot better puddings) and hopefully if there are guests around for dinner its a free for all on the puddings! This is the reasons why if fridges were banned I would go to arms like it was a zombie apocalypse and protect the fridgi!

One of the worst things about fridges is transporting them, they are huge and the big american ones even more so! The most reliable method is to hire an elephant to carry it over to your house, but as these are in short supply in England removal vans were invented to carry these large appliances across large distances. You can't simply bung it into a car, well you can try or come up with some new innovations, like the guys in the car.

But that might just be them trying to pimp out Mario Kart and using fridges instead of bananas.

Social situations can also be saved from the ashes with fridges too, if an awkward topic pops up during conversations you can just pretend to go to check what is in the fridge. The silence that fills the room won't be as penetrating as you will be busy seeing if you have enough tinned food to last the rest of the week, while the others squirm in their seats trying to find a new topic of conversation. A psychiatrist will probably tell you should stop doing this as you are just hiding away from the problem like a pea rolling under the cooker so it wont be boiled to be munched down by you, where it should actually stand up to fight against the oppression it faces with sword in hand! So a fridge can be used in the short term to hide away from the little bumps in conversations, but otherwise you will have to find another thing to base your social foundations upon, but don't try the oven, it doesn't work.

So all in all fridges are pretty cool.

Sorry, I feel ashamed because of that.

I will no go and reconsider my life.

Party Rings

2012-01-20T23:58:00.000Z

Party Rings are awesome, they taste amazing and are often cheap, which is always a bonus. At a party they create an atmosphere like that of a club in middle earth, where fellowship may be found raving it out after a hard day of off slaying. There are normally about 20 party rings in a pack, so there would be:

Nine yellow party rings for the manly kings,

Seven orange to add to dwarven bling,

Three green for the elves who sing,

One blue that thinks he is the don as everyone wants the blue party ring.

And everyone will start to fight over the blue one, and epic battles will occur over middle earth for it. But instead of turning you invisible it makes you more visible due to the large amount of calories contained in it.

That's something that also needs to be addressed, I think in our society we favour some foods a bit too much. Like with the party rings where all the blue ones go first, or the truffles in a box of celebrations. All the other sweets are left behind, like the nerdy kids when choosing teams for football at school. It's unfair on the other sweets, they might soon start plots to get rid of the more popular sweets and then all the good sweets would be no more! But this would never happen as sweets would never be able to organise themselves into a functioning army as they have no way of communicating.

Some recent studies* undertaken have shown that eating party rings whilst doing study actually increases the amount of crumbs on your work. Whereas when compared to not eating party rings when working, in that case there are no crumbs, unless they spontaneously appear on your work, which is known as the 'Crumpolus Phenomena' in some sewing groups in Chester. This increase in crumbs can cause a nostalgic thoughts to times of being a child passing around a parcel with paper on it and eating jelly and ice cream. These thoughts can greatly hinder the gaining of knowledge and so eating party rings is often prohibited in most universities and research centres.

The effect party rings have on society stretches far outside of education and research. There is a heavily scientifically supported theory that the huge popularity of party rings is because they remind people of life rings that are thrown in the water to save drowning people, so people flock to them and buy them due to their natural instincts for safety.

*These results were found as a by-product of many hours of studying thermodynamic systems, well drawing lots of boxes.

Built Up Beauty

2012-01-13T09:49:00.001Z

We are on a small little planet orbiting the sun..... blah blah blah you probably heard similar stuff a comparable amount of times to the number of stars in the galaxy. Well that is also not really that true as then you would be very old and wouldn't actually be able to read this pointless section of text. But anyway back to it...

We are on a small green and blue planet orbiting the Sun in one of quite a few million galaxies and stuff, but we are the only planet in the Universe with carpets! The world we live on is amazing, and lots and lots of people study to learn more about it, in fact pretty much every subject except cosmology is about things on Earth. And the range of different carpets we have is huge, some people can't even comprehend how many different carpets there are. Sometimes when you go into a carpet warehouse people just faint as they enter seeing the ginormousness range of carpets we actually have, and some people even refuse to believe that there is anything more than five types of carpets. They lock themselves away in a house with only 5 rooms with one of these five carpets in each room, they are very secretive and nobody outside of the house have any idea what five carpets they think exist. Some great philosophers say if we new what the five were it would cause at least three wars between different nations due to an huge increase in demand of these carpets. As this is unlikely to happen for the moment we can stay indoors with our lovely warm carpets.

When we manage to drag ourself out of our houses, and lift our feet of our soft carpets into the harsh cold world outside, we find that there is an abounding amount of natural beauty that surrounds us everywhere. But much of this has been covered by man's massive footprint on it all, like a kid runs over the sandcastle you spent hours making. Please don't start running off thinking I lured you in to some trap that Admiral Ackbar forgot to warn you about, where I'm going to rant on about nature, trees and spinach or something.

At the moment if you go outside and look up into the sky you see well, umm an big orange glow. That is if you go out in the day in most built up areas, but it should look like some massive sneeze on a black piece of paper.

The World without street lamps

However if we got rid of all the street lamps everyone would be looking up at the sky and would walk into cars and set off the alarms which will cause everyone to wake up and panic and probably end up attacking each other thinking 'war is upon us!'. This isn't very good. And if we got rid of all the buildings we might get bored of all the greenery, so the best compromise that scientists have come up with is to paint it all purple, that way we will eventually forget what is nature and what was man made. This would cause us to live in a peaceful society, but one that is very confused why an orange is called an orange when it is purple. Although they probably would not think that at all as they would never have been exposed to anything other than purple, they might gather around the table at night and hear stories about distant old strange worlds where they was colour other than purple. If these people saw another colour their brains would probably explode, but they won't as they don't exist so stop feeling sorry for the non-existent people who only can only comprehend purple! The main point there is that beauty can be found both in nature and in man-made things, and a mix of them, well that's just awesome!

Nature isn't really that comfortable either, its full of rocks, roots, and uneven ground. That's why we have houses, full of soft things like beds, carpets and cats. We need houses they are nice and warm and take us away from the harsh world outside, they say every man's home is his castle but our homes are much better than castles. Why? Well we have carpets, not many castle have carpets, and if they do it doesn't even reach the edges to the skirting board! It means we can go around without shoes on all over the house and feel snugly warm, each step we take can give us the satisfaction that we are happy about life. That might sound very snobbish, as some people can't even afford carpets, but it is a lot worse a crime to have the carpets and not even feel slightly happy about having them and constantly craving more, so we need to be happy and enjoy the things we got otherwise there is no point in having them!

We need to be vary though, at the moment the carpet I have can be compared to a 5 o'clock shadow. Its thin and harsh, not really that comfortable at all, I dream sometimes at night of walking in a thick soft carpet, like dancing on the clouds, well actually now I think about it I was dancing on clouds in my dream but maybe the cause of that dream is what I wish our carpet was like. Despite our carpet not causing much enthusiasm to take another step, at least it is better than stone and it can always be worst. If everyone in the world had thick woolly flooring then people may actually be many times happier and content with their lives. That's what we should be chasing rather than BMW's or a new oil field, all those things are outside and we still need houses anyway, so if we chase them and get them when we come home we still have a rubbish floor and get all grumpy again. So remember to get the carpet before the other dreams, all dreams need to be based on good, soft, sinking carpet.

As we take big comfortable steps into deep carpets or harsh stone (if your in a castle) consider the large footprint we have put into in the earth, but that's what we do, we make our mark, like dogs do. But we know that when we look behind the skyscrapers and escape the concrete prison of the cities we can see the amazing skies full of little diamonds that are actually massive balls of burning gas!

The Grey Glue That is Concrete...

2012-01-12T00:37:00.002Z

Concrete, well concrete is everywhere and it is grey. When concrete was discovered it looks like that people in power got a bit too excited about this plain grey mixture and they went a bit crazy with it. They pretty much laid it everywhere like someone who is given too much butter for their bread and spreads it in a thick layer of butter, you may think its a good idea to begin with but will later regret it when your suffering from high cholesterol. Not that putting concrete down gives you high cholesterol, well it might but no studies support this theory and I don't think research groups will find it very easy to get funding. But as there is alot of concrete outside in the real world, well I don't think there is alot of concrete in places like the Bahamas or in the Highlands.

This is some concrete

Concrete looks worse with time, roots and some other plants start to grow in the gaps and it still requires alot maintenance, like having to shave every morning. With all the work that is done on the concrete it begins to look like a patchwork quilt where there is a mosaic of different shades of grey, so it is the most depressing patchwork quilt ever made and would probably suit Marvin (the robot, not my neighbour, although he feels very depressed a lot ). All the boringness and lack of colour from the simple concrete is probably contributing alot to the recent economic recession, causing many people to think the world is in a worse place than it actually is. If we lived in a massive forest in little tree huts like the Ewoks we would probably find life simple and find joy in simple things such as finding a new type of tree instead of waiting for the next iPhone (although trees are quite boring compared to iPhones but at least you can climb trees).

Many shoe making firms may be actually be funding concrete laying companies to spread concrete everywhere. This may be because having concrete means you cant really go outside barefooted, unless you are really in need of some cheese and have run out off supplies so resort to using the concrete as a form of grater to remove cheese from your feet. As that is not very common the shoe companies make alot of money out of selling shoes, well that is all they make money out of as they are shoe companies and not supermarkets. If we didn't have any concrete we could go outside barefooted without fear of leaving a trail of blood from our slowly eroding feet, and would probably be slightly happier and eat less chocolate. However without concrete we probably wouldn't be able to support the large skyscrapers and they would begin to collapse around us causing chaos and destruction ensue everywhere, so we probably wouldn't be much happier. Also if there was no concrete then the industrial revolution may not have happened and then Cadburys would not be founded and so chocolate would never be the same, so we wouldn't be able to enjoy eating it as we skip through the soft grass.

Well, umm concrete, yeah, it seems concrete is good as having it means we don't all die under falling buildings, people can be employed shoe companies and so that we can have chocolate! So if you happen to construct a time machine please don't go back in time and stop concrete from being used, even though it may seem like some industrialised gloom bringer, it is actually a martyr being hated to support society and chocolate.

Tennis Balls

2012-01-11T10:50:00.000Z

My tennis ball, mine....

Everyone loves tennis balls, well not everyone but alot of people do and those that don't are insignificant and can be easily disregarded, so... umm....well....everyone does like tennis balls! Alot of these people who like them have tennis balls even though they may not like tennis.

Its almost a necessary requirement to be part of the human race. Tennis balls are a bit like shoes, everyone wears shoes, even if they prefer walking bare footed but they still wear them as the world outside our snug little houses is harsh, well its really the amount of concrete we put everywhere, if we didn't put it there we would probably solve alot of world issues, anyway I'll come back to that in another post! The point that was kind off being made was that tennis balls are necessary for life, you never know when you might need one. You could be walking down the street whistling (which is just asking for trouble) when a herd of dogs start to chase you wanting your blood (they may not actually be after your blood, but when the angry dogs chase you its normally the first thing to come to mind) while your running for your life and considering what impact you have made on the world before you die, you could pull out a tennis ball and throw it and the dogs would go running after it, thus saving your life. If you do happen to get into these situations alot you should probably stop selling drugs or become a nicer person.

I always carry around a tennis ball, it can be very useful and I don't think I would be where I am in life if I hadn't, I would probably be alot richer and more successful but maybe less happy, actually no I would be alot happier too. But that is due to the imbalance of justice in the job making sectors of life and the very large conspiracy being held by those who hate yellow (this may too be explained further down the fishing pole of time).

Tennis balls have a very rich and long history, like a massive Swiss roll. They were loved by enthusiast even before tennis was actually invented as the game of tennis was named after the balls used to play it. The first historical accounts of tennis balls is uncertain, some people think the fruit that Adam and Eve took was actually a tennis ball, but this has been discredited by many top Tennibalhs (those who study tennisballology). The most accurate and reliable founding for the creation of tennis balls weaves back to the Incas who are thought to have feared the power of tennis balls like that of a WMD, a few disillusioned people who read too much into this think that Margaret Thatcher has actually harnessed this power and can at any time she wants detonate them all and wipe out humanity. But since the mention within the Incas lore, references to tennis balls pop up all over the world, and can be seen tracing alot the skirts of many of the most influential areas of history.

However much of the history of tennis balls is regarded as highly controversial and actually may have been made up by those who dislike the yellow to distract gullible baffoons and make a laughing stock out of them. So ther is a chance that what I mentioned about the tennis ball history is complete utter donkey spit, there may be a very small chance that it could be right but the likelihood of that happening is often compared to the chance that Sheep actually operate most of the banks.

What is certain though is that tennis balls are fun, they can put smiles on many peoples faces and that is surely a good thing in times when a smile is often forgotten about in the pursuit of green paper. So take a tennis ball with you next time your out, play with it, throw it about with people as you wait in a queue, use it to ward of freakishly scary dogs, bounce it as you walk along, but most of all remember the power of the furry green sphere in your hand and use it for good!